So, I'm reeling from the news that my beloved Women's Colony has decided to shut down. I was under the impression that they were testing the waters of expansion, but apparently Mrs. G. and her colleagues decided that it was all a bit too much.
Today came the announcement that the Silicon Valley Moms Blog is also ceasing operation. I haven't heard why, or figured out if that also means that local affiliates across the country are also ending, but that's at least two in as many days.
I wasn't a big reader of SVMoms, or any of its sister sites, but The Women's Colony was a daily check-in for me. I will miss it terribly. I appreciated the company of women who were older (can I say that?) and had seen more than a thing or two with children, husbands, and extended family. I loved the Confessional, though I rarely had the need to use it. Their decision has put my quandary in a lot sharper focus.
I don't want to shut this space down, and I don't yet plan to. However, my job, something I can't really blog much about, is consuming not only my time, but my brain space.
But you know, the lack of blogging is really only a symptom.
Piper and I had a long talk last week about the vast number of things that we were not attending to while we were working. We must make a list of things to tackle, and we haven't even done that yet. Much of it deals with getting Pumpkin some additional help, but then there is a lot of paperwork stuff we have needed to chase down, but have let go for far longer than we should. Pumpkin needs to be in a theraputic camp, but when I finally got around to looking into it, the application deadline had long passed.
We need to get a shed for the backyard, but we have needed to do that for ten years. We have a very bad habit of just living with stuff, and it's causing us to miss out on a lot these days.
We need to go on vacation. We desperately need to take our children on a trip this summer, but chances are, we won't do that either. It's too hard, and we can't seem to make a decision about where to go. We will spend our weekends trying to catch up with housework, yard work, and work work, before we know it, it will be the end of August and school will be starting.
There's a half a dozen things I want to blog about, even more when you count the other blog I was trying to launch that focuses on Education and Learning. There's so many good topics on that front; The Texas Textbook Massacre, the push for charter schools, the national standards proposal and whether they measure up to what we already have in Massachusetts, and the whole social media in learning thing, going on in the adult learning world.
I can't seem to do it. I get upstairs into the office that I created for exactly that purpose, I get two or three lines on the screen and I can't get any farther. My writing has always been slow, I agonize over every word, but it's more than that.
I'm freekin' tired.
It's 5:30 PM. I'm writing this at my desk at work before I leave, because even if I get it all written in my head on the drive home, it will never get on the screen. I will stare a mostly blank screen for hours and second guess myself. Before I know it, it will be midnight, leaving six hours before I have to get up and go to work. And that's before I've put that last load of laundry in, gotten my clothes out for the next day and gotten ready for bed.
Here's the thing. I'm finally at a place where I have the full life I always wanted. But I feel like I am seeing that life rather than really experiencing it, because we don't have our shit together. I've always been easily distracted (except when I was reading), but the full schedule and the lack of sleep are really making things worse. I used to be able to keep details in my head, but I can't do that either. I've gotten some extra little tasks to manage at work, but since they aren't really related to projects, I'm afraid I'll forget all about them. No "system" has ever worked for me. I have never, in my whole life, been able to stick to a routine. Whether that's self-discipline or ADD, or some combination of the two, I'll probably never know.
But somehow I need to get a handle on this so I don't lose it all. Because I have finally gotten to the point where I can say I'm a good writer. I have a good life, and a good job, and a great family, but I have no idea how long I can hang on to all of it.